There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
