at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
