I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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