Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize