Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize