can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
