I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize