I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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