i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
