Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
