My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
