I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
