When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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