She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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