i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
