Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
