How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
