I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
