Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
True strength comes from lack of pants
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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