remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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