Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
