Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
