just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
