i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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