i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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