I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
