I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
