If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
