Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
