Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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