I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
