were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Let's get the cat blown out
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
