Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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