Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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