I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
