Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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