So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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