my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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