He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
