Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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