Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
