I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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