I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
