If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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