When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
