apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
