worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need to align my fucking chakras
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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