Sober January is a disaster.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
