All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
