either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
