the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize