this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm like, not good at living.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
