Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
