remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
