it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
